Guilt Over Guilt
So during the break in my 3 hour night class (when classes are long usually they are broken into 2 blocks with a 15 min break in between) a student had a nervous breakdown. She's a nontraditional student, probably 49-50, non married, and commutes from a city that's an hour and a half away. Putting it delicately, she's not what one would call exceptionally physically attractive. She's rather large and often has an obnoxious demeanor, talking in a loud voice when she answers questions and cussing (awkwardly, as though trying to hard, in my opinion) when talking (again too loudly) to other students before class. During the break there was only me, her, and another often similarly obnoxious student in the room, who kept pestering her for information as to why she had her head on her desk and was acting so obviously distraught. The older woman gave angry vague references to her parents as a source of persecution and expressed a sincere desire to have a head-on collision with a semi tuck on the way home, alluding to a possibility of hurting herself. She also said she planned on walking into another class I share with her tomorrow (which we have a difficult test in) writing her name and some harsh cusswords expressing her apathy, then leaving. These comments were addressed to the other girl, but I knew she knew I could hear them too. I was alarmed. The other girl seemed to take the route of telling her how dumb it was to get bent out of shape and purposely sabotage her academic career, and then rattled off a list of all the "sucky things that she has to deal with in her life". Perhaps she was trying to make the situation for the older woman seem less bleak.
I felt unsure of what to do. I felt that by hearing this, I now had a responsibility to the woman, who was clearly sending out a pretty harsh distress signal. Yelling at her like the other girl was doing is not my style. I felt I must do something, or my conscience would not be clear somehow. So I stood by her for a brief moment and rubbed her back a little and asked her if she wanted a hug. She seemed not ready, and so I set to rearranging the books in the room, tidying them as I tend to do to things when restless or unnerved. At some point she left to wipe her face in the bathroom, stopped at my bookshelf and said, "Thank you." I took this as her being ready and enveloped her in a hug. She began convulsing with tiny sobs, and I said "I know it's hard" then I let her go. Looking back, it was all I could think to say. Telling her it'll be ok or don't worry wouldn't really help and may not be true. And strangely, immediately after she left the room and I continued to straighten the books, I felt as though it wasn't really me that had said that phrase, but some other larger force of strength and understanding speaking through me. Call it God if you want. I think it may have been an experience of compassion. After class ended, I stopped to tell her to take care of herself, and left, with some thoughts.
The main thing I've been pondering is this: did I really feel compassion for this woman who annoys the crap out of me most days? Or was I just serving my guilt? Did I try to comfort her so I wouldn't feel bad about not doing anything? Did I care more about my own guilt than her distress? Did I feel obligated? If I did, does that make me a terrible person? Is it possible that it doesn't really matter what my motivations are, what matters is that I did it? Mainly, what I was thinking was, if this person really does hurt themself (and most people who do give some sort of warning beforehand) and I did nothing to try and comfort them, would I feel responsible? Could my comfort have made the difference between hope and despair? Maybe I'm putting my contribution on too high a pedestal, but I can't really be sure what impact I have. It's better to bet that it's big, because if I don't and it is big then I may be causing harm by inaction. And if I think it's big and it's not, then at least I feel better. Right?? Or does that make me pompous or delusional?
I appreciate any thoughts any of you readers may have.
To An Unresponsive Landlord
This is a copy of the letter I wrote to my university. I live in University managed apartments for upperclassmen undergrad and grad students with children. Just thought it might interest someone. And maybe elicit advice.
November 1, 2007
To Apartment Living:
I wish to inform you of my sustained dissatisfaction with a service you claim to offer.
I have lived in Shelbourne apartment 66 since June 2006. In this time I have found myself disappointed with the maintenance service. There are several things around the apartment that have been in need of repair since I moved in, and despite repeated filings of work orders and direct conversation with Bob, (during the brief moments available when he accompanies pest control in spraying) I have not received any repairs whatsoever. To begin, there is a faulty light bulb socket (possibly two) in the ceiling fan of the living room. This has been broken since move-in and has not been repaired. Also, the ventilation fan in the bathroom is excessively loud and is in dire need of a new motor. This has been mentioned since move-in in work orders several times as well, but to no avail. Lastly, the screen in the rear bedroom window has holes where insects are free to come in. This is not only a security issue, but one of hygiene as insects have now begun to attempt to hibernate inside for the winter months. This screen has been in this condition since December of 2006. No work order for this issue has ever been resolved.
The only work order that has been responded to was that of a paint kit that I used to freshen the walls in places. While I have not yet been able to tackle the task of painting an entire room, I plan to because of its current condition. The bedroom’s paint is so dingy that the shadows of the studs are visible. This I can only interpret as another sign that maintenance, a service the University Housing website claims to provide, is either undertaken rarely or not at all. I find this surprising as the apartment and the neighboring units are all at least 20 years old, and many of the bathroom and kitchen fixtures are severely outdated by energy efficiency and economy standards. One would think an apartment complex of this age would receive more attention. The often overgrown hedges beg to differ.
I strongly recommend that the above repairs be undertaken in a timely manner. I intend to pursue this issue until it is resolved. I feel that since I pay rent and have been given a pamphlet that says maintenance is part of the services that are included with the lease, the University should make good on its promises. Or take it off altogether. But don’t lie.
I encourage any representative of Apartment Living or University Housing to contact me so this issue can be resolved.
Sincerely,
Mary Anne Stear