Whispering Wind

I am usualy a passive, easygoing person, but I have to take the opportunity to complain about the potholes in the roads of my hometown. I am not exaggerating. Some that I dodge every morning are deep enough to easily break the axle on a car! I've cringed many a time, waiting for my tire to explode when I've hit some I didn't see. I spend more time and energy looking out for potholes than I do in paying attention to the cars around me, and that's just dangerous. And I'm not the only one. Cars are swerving all over this town. I wonder who I'd call to complain. It makes me think the Amish have an advantage over the rest of us worldly people. The faster we go, the harder we seem to crash into things. They take things slow and see obstacles coming before they're ever in danger. There's a lesson to be learned from potholes...

My mother has the flu. My father has a cough and a broken toe. My sister is a smoker, thus she's had the same cold for a month. And today I'm at home playing caregiver for them. I don't mind so much, it just puts me in a unique perspective. I'm not used to seeing my parents so vulnerable. They seem to come down with things much more often, while viruses leave me alone. I think it's all the meat they eat. They have too many toxins in their colons. With my homeopathy skills and a hefty dose of teas, zinc losenges, nasal strips, hot water bottles, and lots of quilts, Mom and Dad are doing significantly better. Amanda decided to hole herself in her room and watch the violent and crude "Fight Club" and refused my ministrations, but I was not surprised. That attitude allows her to smoke cigarrettes, even though she's only 17 and knows that they kill people. She is beyond my help. I wonder, though, what will my parents do when I'm gone in a couple of months? They're not getting any younger...

Today I think I may have witnessed something I can't altogether explain. I had to wake up at 6am and drive to a city an hour away to take a teacher certification test. I left, feeling confident and alert, but as time passed I realized that I was dangerously low on gas and I was going to be late (misjudged the amount of time it would take to get there. By the time I reached the outskirts, the test had started 5 minutes ago and the needle way on E. And there was not a gas station in sight. I began to cry. I felt so alone and scared and lost. The test had cost $80 dollars to sign up for, and I feared that they wouldn't let me in if I ever found the school, and my parents' money would be wasted.I would have to return home a defeated failure. If I didn't get stranded on the interstate first. I took several wrong turns, getting even more confused (although I had a map). The needle dropped to the red and the car sputtered. I began to sob and pray, calling out to God for help. I pleaded and begged, glancing every few seconds at the dashboard, dreading that final sputter. And that's when it happened. I told God that I knew he had the power to do it, and that I believed he could help me. And just then, the needle on the gas gauge went up!!! Right before my eyes it rose until it was nearly half full. Through the tears I saw a Freedom station, and pulled in to refuel, believing that I had missed the test and had to go to the site and ask what I needed to do to reregister. After taking several more wrong turns, this time while sobbing in disbelief and ashamed of the mess I'd made of things. I pulled in to the school and the only parking was a handicapped. I parked there, figuring I'd be in and out. I walked in, trying to wipe my face dry, smile and look grown up. Some people were waiting at the door and greeted me warmly. With a scratchy voice, I said I was late. They just said, "We know, but they haven't started yet, so read these directions and we'll help you find your seat." I think they could see I was upset, and a wonderful woman guided me as a mother would, led me to my seat and made sure I knew everything I needed to know before I began. I sat in a gymnasium PACKED with people. Luckily my seat was near the back so I did not disturb them while they listened to someone read over a microphone the same directions I had just finished. And then it began, the reading comprehension part first, and after about an hour, I began to worry that my car would be towed and I would have to pay $200 to get it back. But to reassure myself, I wrote little notes in the margins of my scratch paper, like "God helped you, and he loves you. Everything is going to be just fine. You can do this. You're here and you have five hours. Relax." I did well. I know it, because I finished in 3 hours, and my car was not towed. I didn't even get a ticket. On the way home, I took the wrong exit and did not realize it until I was almost in Chicago, nearly two hours out of my way. But it didn't seem to bother me as much. God was with me. (And so was my dad, on my cell phone, calmly telling me how to get back home.) I have NEVER felt the presence of God before. Until today. And the gas thing may have very well been mechanical, but all I know is I got through it because of Him. I still feel like sobbing, because for all the mean and hateful things I've done to Him in my youth, He still helped me. How unworthy am i of that kind of love.

In a couple months, I'll move out of the only house I've ever known and into a brave new world of college and apartments. And I realize that because of the costs involved, I'm going to have to simplify my life if I am to remain happy at a more strained income. I don't want to try to live my life as I always have, and add the stress of having enough money to it. So here's my chance, I think. And I begin to simplify. I've already given away over half my clothes, all my makeup, and my television to my mother and sister and the Salvation Army. And at the same time I feel relieved by the weight of ownership that seems to have been lifted, I feel a bit lost, as though the identity involved with those things and who I thought myself to be is now gone, and I don't have a lot to replace it with. Is this what they call poor in spirit? On a related note, one of my favorite verses: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. (1 Timothy 2:9-10) My mother and I had a long conversation about what is modest and how the quest to be modest and simple has to be tempered by the knowledge that all people deserve dignity in their appearence and living conditions. For now, I remain a girl on the road of life, and although I've just taken a turn onto a path that leads up a very strenuous climb, I think the view from the top will make it all worth it.

The yurt is an ancient shelter used by Central Asian nomads for centuries. The compact shape of the yurt and combination of lightweight members in tension and compression mean that the structure is highly efficient in maximizing strength while minimizing the use of materials. And I've been thinking it might be a more affordable alternative when I decide to settle down, and while I'm looking for a more permanent residence. I think the simplicity they provide would force me to seriously pare down my overwhelming belongings, and since there is a common shared space, inhabitants would learn tolerance and sharing. Small wood burning stoves can be placed inside to heat during the winter, and their naturally shaded design in the summer can be assisted by a screen in the center of the ceiling where there is a natural circle for a skylight, and many models offer a support to place a fan to furthur circulate the air. As far as bathing, a nearby bathhouse and toilet will do the trick, and although dashing from the bathhouse sopping wet in the winter doesn't seem like a picnic, (I'm not arguing with you, it isn't) the yurt is not about living the way society tells us: three cars, twelve tvs, rebel children, therapists, and a whole lot of debt. It is simplifying, living with nature. And that has sacrifices associated with it. I believe the rewards heavily outweigh these sacrfices, however. Plus, it may give your children a really neat story to tell. Many of us think ourselves daring or courageous people, but think about the daring choice it is to live simply.

I have to applaud Mrs. Isabel Jane Penraeth on her wondeful website, http://www.quakerjane.com. It has been a wonderful source for inspired simplicity for me, and an honest and often humorous way of understanding the rationale behind volunatry simplicity for us who are non-ordained.

Our world is obessed with time. I often scoff and say that to be truely happy, we need to slow down. Waaay down. And just when I am content to take my time in my daily life, something wondeful comes along like a trip to see the one you love, and the time just can't move fast enough. My goal of the month has been developing wisdom. I think next month will have to be patience.

We are all aware of our Christian friends whose women wear a bonnet or some sort of headcovering. They tend to stand out in a world where women openly prance about in immodesty. But have you ever wondered WHY they cover their heads? There is actually a Biblical justification for it: Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you. But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head. But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered. For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering. 1 Corintians 11:1-15 The concept may seem radical to most women, who prize showing off their hair, and often spending hundreds of dollars on it in salons. However, the idea is not to puposely hide beauty, but to protect it and hold it to a higher standard. Beauty is being exploited in the modern world for the purposes of consumerism. Women are not esteemed as they once were. The passage might at first seem sexist, but that is not its intention. For society to funtion smoothly and retain the morals that allow it to do so, the roles of women and men must be clearly defined. Modern day, children are left to nannies and spoiled, taught no manners or morals, and looked upon as a burden because women are not fulfilling their righful roles, but rather caught up in the folly of an idea that they can be as men. This does not mean that women are subservient or lesser. They are different; complimentary. And we wonder why a 5 year old can have ADHD, be bipolar, and depressed, when their mothers are working at fueling the monster of consumerism and not in the home where they need to be, nurturing the next generation. I fear for the next generation of parents. What example do they have? Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ok, its apparant to me that wearing socks with sandals is a big no-no in the modern fashionable world. And still, I get great comfort from a worn in pair of Birkenstocks and wool socks. Even in the dead of winter. It's a habit I picked up from some French monks in the area. So far I haven't heard too much snickering. Maybe they're being quiet...

If I'm not out digging up weeds and picking tomatoes, I'm dreaming of what to do with the space next year. Last summer was the worst I have ever seen. Only my tomatoes and green peppers survived, and even they did relatively poorly. The strawberries, zucchinni and lavender all whithered away to nothing. With the balmy winter we've had so far, I pray there isn't another drought. On a lighter note, I'm planning for tall trellises of green beans, beautiful flowering peas, a couple of sweet corn, and nearby a forest of giant sunflowers! (Hence my new style changes)I'm thinking I might do it all in raised bed this year. It seems to be a popular trend.

I figured since my blog host was making some changes (and hopefully improvements) to tblog, that it was time to make some changes myself. So now I have the sunflowers, which I'm liking very much. The winter often causes me to be impatient for spring, when I can plant again. This way, I can have a little ray of sunshine in my own small way. Let me know any opinions or suggestions. I'm pretty creative, so if you hate it, say so. I will enjoy doing something else with it if that's the case. Otherwise, the flowers are here to stay. :D

Sniffle. That's pretty much all I can do right now. They say that a suppressed immune system can be caused my stress... I'll tell you one thing that helps immensely when your throat feels like it wants to fall off it's so sore: Cepacol losenges. They have the same anesthetic that your mother used to give you when you were teething, except they numb the back of your throat! It's lifesaver, and a more subtle option when you have to go to work or school but don't want to reek of menthol. Nope, this is not a commercial. Just a sick, sick girl with some soothing advice.

I think the world would benefit if somehow, all the money disappeared. If the barter system was still used, I would have no trouble at all. But it doesn't, and I am sweating it out until the next paycheck, hoping something doesn't bounce. That's what I get for locking all my money away in investments.
College really does a number on the pocketbook, doesn't it? I did go a litle crazy this Christmas, too. What can I say, I really like buying people stuff that I know they'll like. Just another thing I'm going to have to discipline myself on. Until then, ugghh the tension!
:?

How ironic, that as soon as I start getting anywhere with a project, I get impatient to have it finished. Oh, the tell-tale signs of frustration. Granted, trying to put together your first quilt when you have absolutely no idea what your doing and your well meaning but incredibly annoying cat finds it nesessary to pounce on anything that moves.
Still, it could be worse.

Somehow, this kind of stuff is just so much more gratifying than sitting in front of a computer all day filing record of people you don't even know...

Well this seems sooo familiar...

I've been listening to the Christian radio station lately, and I even bought a promise ring the other day to help keep me on track with my abstinence values. Somehow the addition of God into a promise seems to strengthen it quite a bit. I'm just a weak human.
The strange thing is I never really considered myself much of a Christian for most of my life, and I spent kindergaten through all of high school in a Catholic school. I've somehow arrived at these beliefs on my own, through years of searching and supplementing with other religions, namely Buddhism, Quakerism, Unitarianism, and a bit of Amish thrown in. The thing is, these beliefs are now mine because I have chosen them, not because they were shoved down my throat. I don't think I'm done searching yet, but I do feel I have reached some sort of inner equilibrium that I hadn't previously.

The obligatory New Year's promises:2006
1. Drink at least 3L of water a day
2. Write letters to my relatives frequently
3. Keep straight A's in my last two years of college

The past year has been filled with many new and often challenging things: two relationships that failed miserably, losing God, finding him again with a refreshed outlook, college, keeping my finances together, my first car, and near the end of the year, beginning yet another relationship that has much promise and still many hurdles ahead.
I can see the even bigger changes that lie ahead in 2006 and beyond: moving away. starting my teaching career, marriage, children, mortgages...
Perhaps I should pray for strength. I'm going to need it. But when it's all over and I look back on it, I know I'll feel a deep sense of accomplishment. Until then, I battle on-