Count down from 100...
Last night I dreamt I had to go through some awful mouth surgury that would involve an iv and throwing up when I came out of the anesthetic. And I wouldn't be able to eat. It was just this overwhelming feeling of dread. Again, not sure what it means, but at least I know that my imagination's nice and healthy.
I'm thinking about my doorbell...
Wow. Only two more days. And I'll be on the road. (Or the tracks, for all you literalists.) I'm all packed and ready; just a few small things to run and get from the store.
I had a dream last night that I drove off a bridge. I was in a car at night with the guy who was my first kiss, and all of a sudden the car started fishtailing and then fishtailed right off this bridge that was so long and so far off the ground (no water underneith) that I couldn't see the bottom. Then this free-fall-pit-of-your-sto mach feeling, and I woke up clutching my sheets and shaking.
I wonder if the dream is some sort of unconscious representation of a fear I have concerning this trip.
[b]But at least I'm not going to be riding on something like this![/b]
Diamonds ground to dust
I suppose my dislike for country came from years of listening to "Cherokee Pride" and "Watermelon Crawl" played by my father's band year after year at festivals all over the place. I don't have anything against the songs specifically, it's just when you hear them a hundred times and are scared out of your wits as a child by the amount of loud men in huge hats drinking beer and spitting more than grasshoppers, you tend to make a pretty strong opinion.
But Mr. Keith Urban changed my mind today.
Cohabitation...a bad habit?
Here's the deal.
Catholics (and many Christians) say: Cohabitation is wrong. People should not live together until they're married. Living together denotes sleeping together, and sleeping together (before marriage) is a sin.
Others say: Cohabitation gives a couple the time and experience they need to see what living with one another will really be like, to see the annoying things each does, to weigh the options of a more permanent commitment like marriage. When you do something like moving in together, though, that does really complicate things if and when things go awry and break up ensues.
Still, I wonder.
[b]ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT[/b]
[b]ANOTHER VIEWPOINT[/b]
Holy Ground
I've recently been toying with the idea that people in the West should remove their shoes when entering churches as a sign of respect and humility. The practice of standing with bare feet comes originally from the Hebrew tradition, as we know, and the classic example is Moses before the Burning Bush where God commands Moses to take off his sandals.
The ancient Eastern tradition has always been the opposite to that of the West in this respect. In the West, one shows respect by removing one's head covering and by having shoes on one's feet. In the East, the opposite is true, one covers one's head and removes one's shoes.
Feet have a great religious significance. They symbolize not only the power to be mobile but also the idea of "solid foundation" upon which one stands. One stands on one's feet also as a symbol of the Resurrection. One showed one's respect for another in the Middle East by washing the feet of a visitor or friend. Christ commanded His disciples to "shake the dust off their feet" before towns and cities that would not receive the Gospel message.
Christ Himself washed the feet of His disciples at the Mystical Supper as an example of humble service and love, and the rite of foot-washing is often held in Eastern Churches on Holy Thursday.
Later Christians also went on pilgrimage in bare feet as a form of penance where one would deliberately experience cuts and bruises and other discomforts connected to walking barefoot on one's way to a pilgrimage site. Monastics also walked barefoot as an expression of voluntary poverty.
When the English King Henry II was excommunicated by the pope of Rome for his complicity in the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury, St Thomas Beckett, the king walked barefoot to a monastery in repentance where he also received a lash across the back from each of the resident monks there!
Thaink about it people, the Last Supper was a bunch of good friends having dinner together, sitting around a table as equals. Jesus would want us to be close to him, and feel united during the ceremonies that commemorate his life. Just a thought from someone who thinks we could all do with a big slice of simplicity pie.
To feed or not to feed
As a member of several different environmental organizations, and as an avid enjoyer of birds, I had a point come up the other day with my father, which made me think: Who is right?
Many people will say that it is environmentally responsible to help out the animals in your city backyard by putting up feeders, bird, squirrel and bat houses, and providing fresh water sources.
Then, others say that putting up feeders is ultimately very harmful as it tames animals and makes them dependent on you, as well as eliminates the natural variety of food choices from their diets, which can cause sickness.
I don't see conclusive evidence either way. I tend to lean toward the latter argument, but I recognize that in cities, the animals (especially birds) are so nearly domesticated that putting up feeders helps, not harms them, and prevents them from poking around in a grabage can in the dead of winter.
Still...I wonder. Any thoughts, birders, orinthologists, environmentalists, farmers....out there?
FInally some free time
I suppose the reason why I stopped calling myself a Catholic in the first place was because I had doubts about things that I was taught in 13 years of Catholic school that were supposedly nessessary to believe in. These doubts were the divinity of Jesus, the over-empahsis of the Catechism of the Catholic Church over the Bible, and I wrestled with the paradox of omniscience versus free will. I've never been one to take religion at face value, but rather I want to understand the philosophy/theolgy behind it.
I had thought that by leaving the questions behind for the simpler practice of mind cultivation through meditation, I could find my peace. And I did, for a while, develop a better understanding of myself. It gave me a better insight into what prayer could be, except from an early age I had been taught that prayer is Hail Marys and Our Fathers, whereas I felt that sitting, thinking of nohing, and listening for God was something that suited me better. So I tried to find a religion that ecouraged mediatation. But unfortunately, in Buddhism, you get the meditation, but have to leave the God behind. Just meditating without one seems selfish, prideful.
My western mind still craves a father-like God who is full of love, acceptance, and gentle happiness. I'm put off by an institution that acts like a moral country club, and only lets in those they deem worthy. Isn't God supposed to be the judge?
So, even as Jesus used the metaphor about making our burdens light and being the water that refreshes us, I still feel wary about ascribing to Catholicim again.
And even still, with all my doubts and the resulting shame for having them, I still feel a longing for a benevolent od, and not prticipating in mass seems more like isolation and self-exclusion rather than some sort of spiritual rebellion, as it did in the beginning. (perhaps this is a side effect of what they call maturing).
So I'm still wrestling with my questions. Do they have answers? I get frustrated when people say things like "it's a divine mystery." I want to understand.
1. How can God be all-knowing, but allow free will? If he already knows what we'll do, we really have no choice. It leans toward predestination. And if you argue for free will, that denies the omniscience of God, because he doesn't know what you're going to do until you actually do it. I'm aware of both the interpretations of John Calvin and John Wesley, but how do Catholics explain it? Can the two be reconciled?
2.Which is more important: to follow the words of Jesus as recorded in the Bible, or to follow the dos and don'ts of the Catechism? I seems that Catholic faith (at least what I've been exposed to) is more concerned about what the pope says and less about what Jesus says. Has the institution gotten too big for its own good? How can such a large establishment really serve its followers in the simple way Jesus gave example of, without simply seeking power?
3. Since most of the Bible, and a great majority of the New Testament is metaphorical, and deeply symbollic (which does not nessessarily demote the deep spiritual validity of its teachings, mind you,) how can we be sure that the man Jesus actually rose from the dead, and is God? And here lies another paradox that I wonder about when it comes to incarnation-I cannot be both myself and my father. We are two different people, since I am his daughter. How can Jesus be simultaneously his father and the son of his father?
There are my questions. I wonder if there are any answers.
Ice Hotel
What a day
I changed my major, signed up for Spring classes, petitioned for graduation, applied at ISU, and registered to take a teacher certification exam. And I still have a paper to write and some heavy-duty studying to do. I've decided that a 3.3 GPA isn't good enough, and that I MUST ace all my final exams to have a fighting chance at transferring in the fall. I'm cold, tired, and always hungry, hormonal, and makeup bereft (I misplaced my case).
I need a hug.