Whispering Wind

Bucky never ceases to amaze.

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Everything's coming up roses, in the words of Ethel Mermon (sp?) It may be snowing lightly outside (beautiful), but all I have is sunshine in my heart! Details? I'll leave those to the journal I write on paper. :)

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I am sooo busy! I feel bad because now I have to actually schedule dates with the bf.

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Quick forgiveness on the part of my elders and a contrite heart on the part of myself for causing so much worry has healed my anxieties about maintaining my precious freedom. The I Ching was right again. The hexagram was "Returning" and its message is to proceed slowly and let change take place in a harmony with what it is replacing. Very comforting.
In other news, my classes for this semester are forgettable, tolerable at best. I'll excel. Not a problem. If anything I'm a bit bored with the collective intelligence of my classmates but that's to be expected. I do enjoy the proliferance of internet availability, however.

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With all the tension, I thought a little Buddha was needed to remind me to rise above the problems and find the answers that are already contained within. I honestly don't know what people do when they need inner strength and have no spiritual guide to fall back on. And the I Ching was right again. I should let go of regret and anxiety and accept the natural cycle of increase and decrease. Gotta love the I Ching.

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Is it normal to feel this insanely happy about something? It's not like jumping-off-the-walls-gig gling-like-a-schoolgirl happy mind you, but more of an internal quiver that is like a light in my heart. FINALLY!!! Finally karma is throwing me a bone! I'm getting a job where I make more than my parents, a boyfriend, and a new outlook on life all in the same week. The only thing that worries me is that my life is like a monsoon. It'll be dry and barren and desert-y for long stretches and then all at once everything will shower down on me. I just worry that this good stretch will not be able to weather the dry storm that's coming.
Here's the "dry storm": I am in a happy relationship with a man who is ten years older than me. Haven't broke it to my mother yet. Whenever he does come over, it's going to be just like Meet the Parents except weirder because in the movie the fiance is a stable nurse who's basically what I like to call in world terms, "safe". My guy is an eclectic person with vast life experiences and a few skeltons in the closet. There is stuff that really isn't neccessary to be talked about, but my parents love airing other's dirty laundry in public.
In addition, last night was a bit of a mess. I went over to his apartment for lunch under the pretense of going shopping, and returned home at midnight only to find my parents had filed a missing person's report two hours prior. I realize now I should have called, and that's what made it a big deal, but it was just bad timing with the crap Amanda's put us through all week, to lay something like this on them. I fear this has hurt their perception of him even furthur, perhaps indelibly. He also didn't know that I hadn't told anyone where I was, so I feel even more guilty bringing him into this mess by proxy. I tried to make them understand that part of the reason I went away like that was I needed time to decompress, and I wasn't finding that at home. I honestly thought about not going home, but getting him in trouble is the last thing I want. I needed to talk to someone outside of the melodrama, and I don't really have any friends my own age, so naturally I ran to him for solace.
It's so hard that things can get so complicated so fast. And it's all my fault. Not in the best of mindsets today, just because I have mixed feelings, which is worse than having just one type of feeling. I have intense happiness on one side, and guilt, remorse, and apprehension on the other. Woe is me sometimes for being such an emotional creature.
Anyways, he's supposed to come visit me today at work, so I plan to take my break and find a quiet spot where I can confess, in a way, and maybe figure out what to do next.
Wow. Love complicates everything, doesn't it? I'm starting to see the point of the cynics.

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My parents suspect my little 16 year old sister of doing exstacy. Whatever it was, she was snorting something last night. Stupid, stupid litle girl. :evil: I have a hard time remaining detached from the strong ambivalance I feel toward those substances.
So there is my darkness.
Tomorrow I am going to take the first step I've ever taken toward love. Fate is giving me a huge chance, and I promised myself if something like this ever came along, I would at least see where it led. It's just a simple date, but what most don't realize is that it will be the first I've ever been on. Something good is coming;I just know it.
So there is my love.
I consulted the I Ching, which has shown an uncanny ability to present helpful advice. The hexagram came up as fellowship. How more on the dot can you get?

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Ok so it's not that dramatic. But being a reletively soft spoken person, sometimes I feel like I just want to scream at myself. Hey, even Buddhists have their moments. Sometimes I look at myself and think "You're such a empty-headed schoolgirl sometimes!" I hate what feelings of love do to a person. It makes them so vulnerable! I know I sound like a cynic. I think I expect too much. Whatever the case, I was dissapointed today. In both myself and the unfolding of events. But I will triumph. Today was only one day. I always have tomorrow, and in the words of James Bond, tomorrow never dies.

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I have Simon and Garfunkle's "Feelin' Groovy" stuck in my head. Thought this was funny, too.

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It's colder here than it's been in a long while. The other day it was 61 and thunderstorming (in January!) and the next day snowing and minus 12. Strange. I read somewhere online that the earthquake that caused the tsunami actually moved the earth's north pole one inch to the east. I wonder if it's the cause if all this weird weather? So anyway it's icy cold right now.
And I have a bit of a crush. Maybe it's just my lonely heart wishing for things and hanging on possibilities, but I think it's the first real butterflies in the stomach feeling I've had. I have a lunch date for Saturday. We'll see what fate has in store for me.

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Putting a Paul Simon tape in my van makes an amazing impact on the quality of my commute. It's such happy music that I can't help but smile. Even if someone may cut me off, or swerve in front of me, I just smile and get out of their way.

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I met someone today who's birth name was Groovy. An amazing human being. He's lived more than most 50 year olds and yet I am guessing he's in his mid to late twenties. Just a random person who walked into my life at the library today. I'm just wondering what his purpose was. Everything happens as a sign of some sort, and I'm wondering how to interprete this sign. Whatever it was, it sure made me smile. And the smile I wear on the outside is only a tiny representation of the one on the inside. What a refreshing thing!

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My family is having some problems with my little sister and her not so smart life choices. Myself being what the punk-people call straightedge, I find her choices infuriating, but what can I do? I'm just a lowly human. So my goal is to maintain a sort of peace for myself within this house in turmoil. How hard it is for me to maintain peace. :?
But I should continue on my path. I want to be one of those people that are just glowing. And being involved in conflict all the time will dull me.
By the way, do you know how difficult it is for a vegan to find something to eat when her family takes her to a 50's style diner?
I'm glad they had oatmeal.

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Spending a solo evening reading my book on the history of Greenpeace. A huge ice storm is blowing its way through, and covering everything in a bumpy layer of hard ice. It deadens all the noise I usually get from the street, so I feel like I'm in some fortress of solitude or something.
Today I learned that the job that I'd been hoping to get still exists and I'm a shoe-in for it. It pays enough to make my plan to move cross country in two years a definite as far as funding. Pretty much my next five years was hinged on getting that job, and when I heard in December that the board was thinking of getting rid of it to balance the budget, I was crestfallen. But now, it seems I've had my first miracle of the new year!
My plans for the icy cold weekend? Snuggle up in my mukluks, read more of my book, and learn to crochet beanies and granny square afghans.

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My lovely father gave me a four disc collection of the Who and it has a song called Mary Anne With the Shaky Hand. My name is Mary Anne, and spelled exactly like the song. My new theme song, that's for sure. Every morning my alarm clock/cd player wakes me up with it. What a lovely way to wake up.
The new year is looking more optimistic than thought. I'm planning on networking with others to create a knitting group or at least work with the Student Assoiciation For the Environment at my college(S.A.F.E.).
By the way, Greenpeace rocks!

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